I'm still on hiatus from translating here.. if anyone actually still comes here for that.. o_o (doubtful)
It's kind of sad looking back through the translations now.. they seem so poorly done >_<. Oh well.. I guess we all have to start somewhere :l I'd love to go back through them all and edit them and perfect them, but I don't have the time ;x
I've had too many things on my mind lately.. so I'm going to start writing again. Probably won't be anything interesting to most peoples tho.. so just ignore me 8D
There are so many things I know I need to do.. but I just put them off and they keep piling up on me.. which just creates more stress.. and I end up putting off even more things.. sigh. Stupid never ending cycle.. I'm surprised they haven't labeled procrastination as a disease yet.. or maybe they have :l I suppose the good news is I did stop playing online games.. even though I only replaced them with games on my ds >< but at least I get bored of those pretty quick.. cuz the ds is kinda awkward to hold.. at least for me.
I've been using my random translations I do as an excuse.. or maybe a better way to put it is.. to try and convince myself I'm not completely wasting my life away.. but then when I compare my work to others.. I wonder why I'm even bothering.. their work seems so amazing and perfect.. and then I read mine and it just feels so awkward ><.. but translation is all I really have.. I really don't know what else I can do if I don't do that :/.. I mean sure I can do anything.. but I really don't want to do work I hate.. in fact I know I can't.. I worked at a department store over the holidays and it was pure hell.. I will never ever ever try to work in sales again.. it was just the most awful experience.. it's not the people.. I can deal with people.. that's the easy part.. it's the trying to force things on other people.. I have this strong belief that no one should be forced into anything.. everyone should be allowed to choose what they want.. especially in a place like this where I live.. so trying to force them into credit cards and getting them to buy accessories with the stuff they already picked out.. just seems so rude to me.. god it was just awful.. I couldn't wait for that job to be over.. but that aside.. I really want to do something that I love.. okay maybe not love.. I'd settle for just liking it.. but I need at least that or I'll lose my sanity..
I've been reading more about translation.. if I'm actually going to try to get paid for it.. but as I was reading.. I realized I need to be able to write well in English too.. (it seems so obvious now after reading it).. English was always my worst subject in school.. or rather.. I just thought it was so horribly, agonizingly boring.. I could care fucking less.. was my general opinion of it.. so I guess lately I've been trying to learn how to write better in English.. but say I get better at English.. I'm still exactly where I was before in Japanese too.. but that.. I'm not really sure how to get better in.. except just keep working at it.. all I really do is just read stuff and listen to music.. but when I read different sites on the internet that talk about learning through immersion and stuff.. I wonder if I'm really doing enough..
I guess I shouldn't be in such a rush.. after this summer I should have my degree.. not that it means much.. the Japanese I learned in school is probably only 50% of all the Japanese I actually know.. just from watching various tv and reading magazines.. it's kind of sad.. they give jobs to graduates just cuz they have a degree.. but they really hardly know anything at all .__. such a strange society we live in.. instead of focusing on my actual major.. I'm forced to take other completely unrelated classes (math/science) when I could have been using that time to improve my actual focus of study instead.. I guess it's just a ploy to get you to come back for graduate school.. where you don't really learn much either.. except how to teach new students.. then research stuff on your own.. I really just don't get the whole college system at all..
but all of that is nothing compared to how lonely I am lately.. I suppose I could blame it on a lot of things.. but it's probably because this is the longest I've ever gone without a boyfriend since I started dating.. it's so lame though.. I hate the fact that I'm so dependent on it.. but what's even worse is.. I'm becoming afraid of even looking for a guy lately.. because I know I'm so desperate.. who knows what I'd do.. I'd probably jump into things too fast and ruin everything.. I just have this bad feeling about it.. so now I'm scared of that and putting it off too.. along with everything else.. sigh :l..
so I've decided to do the exact opposite of what I'd normally do.. I'm trying to focus on my "career" instead.. not like there's much of one.. but that's probably because I've always neglected the professional side of my life for my love.. I'm such a damn slave to love.. so anyway.. I've decided fuck love.. I have to get some other shit sorted out first.. so I've got it planned out to graduate after I take my last class in the summer.. take the jlpt in december.. and sign up for JET whenever you can sign up.. and just throw myself into something new.. I know I'll be fine.. I've never had a problem with people not liking me or anything.. I just never take the damn initiative to do anything.. so this time I'm determined to see it through.. even if I'm going to turn 26 this year.. even if I just want to find a nice guy and get married and say fuck the rest of the world.. even if running to Japan for a year will also most likely leave me alone for that year as well.. I feel like I'm going to be forever stuck in this cycle of needing men if I don't do something drastic like this.. it's not like I don't want someone.. but I shouldn't be THIS dependent on it either.. it's depressing really :/
how do people find part-time jobs so easy? seriously. I fail at it so hard lol.. I mean it's not the end of the world.. but if I get hired for a job.. it's because they were taking anyone and didn't really care.. sometimes I wonder if I'm just doing something seriously wrong.. >_> maybe I should act like a ditz who smiles all the time and giggles and wears revealing clothes? nah.. then you just get used by any males you work with .. and that's even worse..
lately it seems like there's so much out there in the world that I had no idea about.. I guess it kinda makes me feel stupid >_< it's not like I can know everything.. but should there really be SO much that I still had no clue about?.. yet again.. making me feel like I'm just wasting my life away.. ahhhh orz
but in the end.. it's all about being happy.. and saying fuck it to the rest.. I figure as long as I genuinely smile 5 times a day I'm still okay~ 8D (is that number too low >_> haha)
sorry to take up all this space for anyone who
still has me on their list o_o;
and yes I still love arashi.. that's
one thing that will never change.. I'm just sick of translating
magazines ;l
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